0:00 All right, let's go ahead and rank our Asian mom weapons by our personal trauma. All right, we obviously know the feather duster has got to be up there. I feel like ours is maybe one of my number ones, but that's because like the way that she was able to whip it and grip it. She did it backwards, right? >> Yeah, yeah, backwards cuz with with all the all these brown feathers, she just had this ability to hold it very tight. >> She put some hate behind the hit. >> Yeah, and then on the whip end, it's got like that plastic green thing that wraps around like the edge of the bamboo that like holds it together or whatever, but you know, that stuff also slightly comes off and I just remember every single time she would whip me with it, there would be like two marks. >> Did she have a feather duster for cleaning that had double use or this is to beat your ass? >> discipline stick >> Yeah. >> It was double use for sure because it had like dust coming off it when it was whipping me. >> [laughter]
0:50 >> Are you traumatized by this? >> No, no, no, not so much. I feel like >> Did any of you guys get hit by that? >> A back scratcher, no. Did you? >> I never got hit by that, no. >> I got it thrown at me and it always missed, but it was scary. >> You guys got hit by slippers. >> Not the not the traditional chancla slippers. I I got I got shoes thrown at me for sure though. >> I had slipper form, but they were weird because they were my mom's old ballet slippers. >> I don't know why. Ballet slippers? >> So she wore those around the house normally? >> Like the toe ones? So there's a wooden box at the end? >> toe ones yes >> Did she walk around like this in the house? >> No, she she walked >> [laughter] >> She walked normal. I don't know why she couldn't let go those, but she would throw those at me. So the wooden >> blocks at the >> It hurts like ████ >> What the And they were just always available at throwing distance? >> Ghetto looking as ████ and then she never wore anything normal.
1:41 >> Dude, that's a weird >> [laughter] >> Dude, our parents are like ninjas. They have different weapons and ████ for different occasions. But then the one that sucks with the feather duster is my mom used to have the normal feather duster in sixth grade, I picked up saxophone And then she saw my saxophone cleaner. >> Oh yeah, it's like a really big the other bushy thing, right? >> And she was like, "That's way better because the middle the middle is a metal wire. So the outside is like, you know, like all fuzzy. >> but like jumbo version. >> So she took that away from me and she used to have this station of weapons to like impose like impose fear. So when I walk around the house, she would always see it. >> she just goes into her closet, pushes a button, the clothes turns around. >> [laughter] >> So next to the feather duster, she had the saxophone cleaner. It was like this bright orange one so that I could see
2:31 it. Like every day she'd be like, "You can't." "You can't." Like >> [laughter] >> "You look at it." I'm like, "Oh s███." >> She's like, "Look at it." >> Damn, that's terror. >> Yeah. >> I got hit with a lot of hangers. Hangers was like weapon of choice from both my parents were hangers. >> Plastic or the wire ones? >> Plastic ones. Plastic ones You think the wire ones are more painful? The plastic ones are the thickness. >> Yeah. >> It would always leave welts. >> Brother, I was on a hanger my whole life. >> Oh yeah, you're right, dude. Yeah. >> Infinite hangers. >> Infinite hangers, man. >> That's true. Infinite ammo hack. >> [laughter] >> Dude, my parents used to do this thing where it's kind of ████ up um where they they thought they were better than other parents because they're like, "At least we don't use weapons." Cuz they thought that that was like beneath them and >> At least they're just using martial arts. >> Literally, my dad ████ 300 kicked me in the stomach one time and then he's
3:22 >> [laughter] >> and then he goes, "See, I only use fists." He goes, "I'm not like other dads who have no self-control and then they hit you with items." He goes, "Mine's controlled." And I'm like, "A controlled ████ martial art ████ punch? What the ████ is >> [laughter] >> I'm not a karate punching bag, DUDE, GOING HI-YA! LIKE what the ████ Like that makes you a better person?" >> And from a grown adult, like a closed fist is crazy. >> hard, yeah. It's nuts. >> You know how many times I got punched in the solar plex? >> I would argue that I think weapons are easier than if my than when my dad would full power punch me. >> [laughter] >> I would take a weapon. It's way better. >> The only weapon that I had was a belt. So it's like the whole ████ >> But you didn't get the buckle side, right? >> No. >> No, that's for kinkiness. >> A weapon? A weapon to a place of like technically
4:12 like no damage is not bad compared to like the gut with the >> You're right, yeah. >> Cuz that's a point of injury. That's crazy. BUT YOU'RE ON THE GROUND AND YOU'RE LIKE, "I can't breathe." >> I wish I thought of that hack when I was a kid to if when my dad hit me with a belt just go >> [laughter] >> So that I'd make it weird. He'd be like, "Cool." >> Uh, what the hell? >> [laughter] >> You're probably in so much pain though you can't even think though. >> Oh, daddy. >> [laughter] >> I'm such a bad boy. He would just murder me in the spot. I told you guys a story about when my dad socked me like square in the face, right? >> What? >> I was I was a little kid. I was like I was like seven or six and I would I would get like nightmares and I'd go sleep in my parents' bed. I'd go between them and snuggle up. >> Yeah, that's normal. >> And then one time it was like I move
5:03 around when I sleep a lot and then I I turn and I I remember like I went like this and I hit him in his face. And then he just he woke up with He just socked me in my face [laughter] IN THE DARK. >> THAT'S CRAZY. [laughter] THAT'S ████ crazy. >> That's so ████ good. [laughter] >> I thought you were in trouble for like something legit. >> It was an accident and I hit him I hit him because of my hand just went like that to his face. And I think on reflex he didn't like think about it. He just like on reflex just turned and he was probably frustrated and he socked me like like a adult punch to my face and I just I JUST WAS LIKE >> [laughter] >> WERE YOU LIKE, "THIS IS WORSE THAN A NIGHTMARE." >> WELL, cuz I couldn't cry full speed cuz my mom's right there. My dad's right
5:53 there. So, I was just like >> Damn, that's so sad. Oh, [laughter] ████ That's ████ hilarious, dude. He just sleep punched you? >> He's just snoring right away. [laughter] >> Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cuz I tried to tell him the next day and he just did had no idea. >> also have been the 20th time cuz kids when they sleep they're tornadoes, dude. >> Yeah, cuz that Taika hits you when he's >> Yeah, he's ████ moving around. He ████ knees me. He ████ like kicks me, slaps me. Like he's like a ████ tornado. It's crazy. >> Plus my dad is his work shifts were so tiring. So, he probably was just like over it. >> Yeah, yeah. Plus this guy's probably doing like head spins and stuff in his sleep. >> ████ scared me cuz I was the main thing I thought of was like, "Dude, what if my mom does that to him?" And he socks her. Like that sucks. I was like, "Dude, that's ████ He was crazy." >> Stop it. >> [laughter] >> It was like a such a adult punch.
6:44 >> That's crazy, dude. >> Dude, I've I've punched in my sleep before. Punched Nina. [laughter] >> You did? >> No way. >> Yeah, in like the back. Cuz I'd just be like, you know, I don't know. You're just dreaming or something and like sometimes you're fighting something in your dream. There's like this sensation where you're like, "I have to like uh and then it's like you you just your body snaps in real life. And then [laughter] I just like punched the ████ out of Nina's back. >> You know what I ████ hate? What cuz I I I sleep with a cup of water cuz I get thirsty in the middle of the night sometimes. You know when you like sleep twitch and you go boom >> knock the whole ████ over >> [laughter] >> AND THEN YOU'RE LIKE, "F███, NOW YOU GOT TO GET OUT OF bed cuz you don't want water everywhere." And then you're like, "God damn it." You're cleaning it up and then you have to put the glass and if it the glass breaks it's even worse and you're like doing all that and you got to like try to go back to sleep. >> Dude, Hannah said she caught me uh sleep fighting one time.
7:34 So, she woke up earlier and then she says that I got up like sit up like this, right? My eyes were still closed. And he said that I This is when I had long hair that I ████ whipped it back and I went like this and I started ████ swinging LIKE A ████ >> [laughter] >> THAT'S CRAZY. >> AND THEN she says after I ████ started fighting, I went back to sleep. >> [laughter] >> Your hair. >> That's Yeah, she says the >> [laughter] >> Did you ever cuz you know like you guys were getting your ass beat so much, did you ever call the cops? >> I threatened. But I did it. The closest I ever came >> Yeah. >> and it's like half you don't want to be a rat, but the other half you're like, I need help. >> [laughter] >> Dude, was in fifth grade.
8:25 Um I remember my teacher, she saw like all these bruises on my legs. >> Oh, yeah. >> And then she was like, "Woah, what what happened? Like why do you have all those bruises?" And I remember going like, "My mom, I JUST FELL." >> [laughter] >> AND I REMEMBER THE TEACHER GOING LIKE, "Your mom?" I don't know, I don't know, I just fell. My mom was there to help me. >> [laughter] >> IT'S LIKE A LIFETIME movie where you're being abused. >> Yeah, and I was like, I needed to I was like, man, I needed to stop getting my ass beat, but I also want to ████ rat her out. >> [laughter] >> Cuz I'll get my ass beat more. >> Yeah. You didn't want to Yeah, cuz you think in your mind that some they're going to take your parents away or something. >> That's what I thought. >> Yeah, they're going to go to jail. >> Yeah, cuz when I called the cops, they showed up and they didn't do nothing.
9:16 They did nothing. >> [laughter] >> When I called the cops, they showed up. >> They didn't do ████ dude. >> Yeah, I called the cops on my dad because he beat my ass so hard at the time I had those marks. So then I was like, perfect, I'm going to call the cops, they can see it. And the cops came and then my dad answered the door and all he said was he was just being bad, we had to discipline him. And this is ████ 1989. So they were just like, "Okay, great. You know, cool. We just wanted to check." And they just left. They didn't even look at me. They didn't even check me at all. And I was sitting in the back going, "Save me." >> [laughter] >> They probably closed the door, left, looked at each other and were like, "You know the major houses there. You got to let him go." >> [laughter] >> And I regretted it because I got my ass beat for that. >> Oh. >> So, like I never did it again. I'm like, "Calling the cops is a terrible idea." >> work. >> Horrible idea. You have to wait till the 2000s to do that. >> [laughter] >> Yeah. Nowadays? >> Dude.
10:06 >> Dude, late '80s? No ████ way. >> No way. >> in the '80s I would hear that like there were still teachers disciplining kids. >> Oh, yeah. >> smacking them and stuff in the '80s. >> Yeah. >> For sure. Or rulers and ████ That's why you hate ████ meter sticks and stuff. Once my mom got a hold of a meter stick that I had to use for a project and then she kept it, I was ████ >> Really? >> Yeah. >> Yeah, I remember in elementary school I would be getting pinched by teachers. >> Oh, yeah. >> They would ████ pinch my shoulder and ████ Yeah. ████ dug their nails too. I was like, "Damn them." Damn, they don't do that no more. >> No, they don't. No. >> old days. >> Because I think my brother was a last gen of like Gen X kids. They they They're not kids now, but when they were kids they got beat the ████ up. >> Kids need a good old pinch, dude. >> Did your mom Remember how you said your mom threw a hockey stick at you? >> Yeah. >> Did she ever throw anything like more creative than that?
10:56 >> I mean, ballet shoes is pretty ████ >> What's the thing? Didn't she throw like a bundle of sticks at you or something? >> I was ring boy. Aren't those called Oh. >> Wow. >> cuz I was a I was ring boy for a wedding. >> [laughter] >> And then so I never had dress shoes, so I thought it was ████ sick. So, I'm like ████ tap dancing all over the the linoleum floor in the kitchen. And there was like scuffs everywhere. She comes out, >> [laughter] >> she grabbed ████ chopsticks like those ████ House of Daggers. >> Yeah. >> [laughter] >> First it was that. No, it's a bundle of sticks. >> And then it's like, "Oh, s███." And they're like, "OH, S███." [laughter] AND then I was running We had a glass table. I'm just running around. She's she was "Get back here." >> Causing more streaks of floor marks. >> More scuffs. >> And that's when she got my hockey stick, she threw it and went boom. >> Shattered an entire glass table. >> And then she blamed it on me cuz [snorts] cuz if I wasn't running around, if I just took the beating, then the
11:46 glass table would still be there. >> it on ████ Gene [clears throat] Kelly. >> [laughter] >> Dude, I can't believe she destroyed that much stuff. >> From just I'm just a kid tap dancing. I don't know. I don't know. >> [laughter] >> The impulse to tap dance cuz you have dress shoes is really funny. >> You know that feeling right? You're like cuz you're like sick. >> Yeah. And you're like, "Hell yeah." >> [laughter] >> But also the decision to stop when you see the first couple scuffs, like that's also a choice. >> I didn't even see I was in the zone, dude. >> Yeah. >> like ████ River Dance was like on the TV. Like you were just I was in the zone. I was a ████ River Dance kid. >> don't I wouldn't even notice the scuffs at all. Like I wouldn't even think of that. And if I saw it later, I wouldn't even think I had anything to do with it.
12:37 >> [laughter] >> Yeah, kid brain is just like, "Oh, okay. Whatever." >> You're in the ████ zone, man. >> You're like, "Who did that? They're going to get in trouble." >> Oh, dude, all the time. I remember in junior junior high even like in sixth grade, I went to my buddy's house and um his I mean latchkey kids no nobody's home, right? So he had Spam and I'm like, "Let me teach you Spam musubi." Cuz he's he's this white kid. So then I was like, "Oh ████ you got rice. All right, we're going to use rice-a-roni." Didn't work. But we after we made the Spam, the next day his dad's like, "Hey, when you come over and cook, you better clean up after." And I was like, "Huh?" And he goes, "I was ████ mopping the floor. There was oil all over the ████ floor." Like he was like one of those like ████ mechanic blue collar white dads. Like part of a biker gang and ████ like scary ████ He goes, "There was ████ oil. I was
13:27 scrubbing all night. You guys ████ you know." [laughter] My friend's like, "Yeah, we didn't clean up after." And I was like, "We didn't?" >> Dude, I don't even think of that. Yeah. As a kid, it wouldn't even occur to me. But I was like sixth grade still. Like you're not like a child anymore, but like you still I still didn't remember like I was like, "What? There was oil?" Like ████ >> Yeah, you're like >> So kids got ADD brain. They're doing one thing and then whatever the new idea is, you just leave. >> Yeah. And then whatever is happening >> I also was like slow to mature, so I didn't think I always was like expecting adults to take care of ████ I'd be like, "Yeah, they'll just do it. They'll just clean it. They're adults." >> [laughter] >> I was like, "What else you going to do?" >> That makes sense. >> Yeah, but it's like a dickish kid mentality, but it is like, you know, >> Because you're used to it. Things just disappear. Things get cleaned. So you think it's like that's how the world
14:17 works. >> Right. And plus like in an Asian house, it was or at least my house, it was more like my parents would clean and do those things because I would ████ it up if I did it. So they'd be like they'd be like, "No, you're not clean You're not going to mow the lawn. You're going to ruin it." Like so I would just never be doing that stuff. But it's like you you know, you grow up you learn like, "Oh, I'm supposed to get good at it so I can be helpful." >> [laughter]
// end of tape